** DISCLAIMER: If you have never been to my blog before, don't start here! I usually don't go off on personal rants like I'm about to below. Start somewhere else like here or here. So really, you can skip this post. In fact, everyone can skip this post :)
I try not to make this thing too uber-personal. But I've got something on my mind that I probably won't say to anyone else, so I guess I'll just say it here.
Ever since I can remember I've kind of been the odd ball out. I tried to hang out with the popular kids in middle school, and they would let me into their huddle, but I wouldn't get their jokes and I would say something awkward-- my face would get warm and I'd soon walk away. It's not so much that I was nerd growing up, I was just never quite cool enough either. Story of my life. My comedic timing has never been very punctual, and I always seem to get lost in my thoughts when I should be listening to the world tick around me. I don't think it's a bad thing-- God forbid I became another plain Jane more concerned with being pretty and likeable than being an individual.
The problem is, I was never quite one of the artsy kids either. I wanted to be artsy. I wanted to be creative, witty and idiosyncratic. But I never lived up to the other kids' genius creativity-- at least in my opinion. However as I've grown older, I've managed to just stick with the "do you" mindset and be content with my slightly out of sink habits. You are what you are so embrace it, right?
Well the point of all this is, I feel like I'm once again in that limbo. The career world brings me closer to the popular people-- the cool huddle-- and I am dying to find success. I know this sounds horrible, but I want to make money, I want to buy cute clothes, I want to make my parents proud and not have to ask them for another dime ever again. I want to buy them a vacation around the world. I want to have a cute house and buy another dog and lay Wii on a big flat screen. Oh God .... I sound like every other typical American. And that is what scares me.
And then there's the other side of the pendulum. My friends and acquaintances write in journals, they find (or take) the best photography, they know all the best bands, they have cute vintage clothing and amazing tattoos, they have houses filled with cheap artwork and magazines. They go to political rallies and concert and live impulsively and passionately. I want to be like that again, but I don't want to serve tables either. And no, I don't think that this is just a part of growing up, so please don't tell me that. I've heard way too many middle aged men and women contemplate what happened to who they used to be. I don't want to be like them. I guess I just don't feel like myself lately. There's got to be some balance. But balancing takes time, and time is something I don't have. I wish I had more time. So I've got to figure out how to make both sides of my divided personality happy, and I just don't know how. I guess this is an oh-so-typical gripe, but life is often pretty typical and trite.
Alright, I'm done complaining. If you made it this far, thank you. I promise I won't bore you with my complaints again for a very, very long time.