Rate: My life, confused

** DISCLAIMER: If you have never been to my blog before, don't start here! I usually don't go off on personal rants like I'm about to below. Start somewhere else like here or here. So really, you can skip this post. In fact, everyone can skip this post :)

I try not to make this thing too uber-personal. But I've got something on my mind that I probably won't say to anyone else, so I guess I'll just say it here.

Ever since I can remember I've kind of been the odd ball out. I tried to hang out with the popular kids in middle school, and they would let me into their huddle, but I wouldn't get their jokes and I would say something awkward-- my face would get warm and I'd soon walk away. It's not so much that I was nerd growing up, I was just never quite cool enough either. Story of my life.   My comedic timing has never been very punctual, and I always seem to get lost in my thoughts when I should be listening to the world tick around me. I don't think it's a bad thing-- God forbid I became another plain Jane more concerned with being pretty and likeable than being an individual.

The problem is, I was never quite one of the artsy kids either. I wanted to be artsy. I wanted to be creative, witty and idiosyncratic. But I never lived up to the other kids' genius creativity-- at least in my opinion. However as I've grown older, I've managed to just stick with the "do you" mindset and be content with my slightly out of sink habits. You are what you are so embrace it, right?

Well the point of all this is, I feel like I'm once again in that limbo. The career world brings me closer to the popular people-- the cool huddle-- and I am dying to find success. I know this sounds horrible, but I want to make money, I want to buy cute clothes, I want to make my parents proud and not have to ask them for another dime ever again. I want to buy them a vacation around the world. I want to have a cute house and buy another dog and lay Wii on a big flat screen. Oh God .... I sound like every other typical American. And that is what scares me.

And then there's the other side of the pendulum. My friends and acquaintances write in journals, they find (or take) the best photography, they know all the best bands, they have cute vintage clothing and amazing tattoos, they have houses filled with cheap artwork and magazines. They go to political rallies and concert and live impulsively and passionately.  I want to be like that again, but I don't want to serve tables either. And no, I don't think that this is just a part of growing up, so please don't tell me that. I've heard way too many middle aged men and women contemplate what happened to who they used to be. I don't want to be like them. I guess I just don't feel like myself lately. There's got to be some balance. But balancing takes time, and time is something I don't have. I wish I had more time.  So I've got to figure out how to make both sides of my divided personality happy, and I just don't know how.  I guess this is an oh-so-typical gripe, but life is often pretty typical and trite.

Alright, I'm done complaining. If you made it this far, thank you. I promise I won't bore you with my complaints again for a very, very long time.


  1. kiwi and i realized that sometimes you have to make compromises in life. we work in "corporate" jobs that pay well, so we can have the resources to do the things we love... like traveling, going to concerts and trying new restaurants. just make sure you earmark your hard earned funds to do things that really inspire or engage you. it's all about how you choose to look at it!

    i'm sure everything will work out for the best. you've got plenty of time to figure it out! you can have the best of both worlds!

  2. First of all, you are seriously one of the coolest girls I know. You always look really cute and hip and I envy that about you. So, to me at least, you are one of the cool kids! And secondly, everything the girl above me said. I think you can have the best of both worlds. And I'm totally envious you quit your serving job and moved on to "a real job." Though I hate when people say that, as if serving isn't a "real" job. Anyway, basically you're my idol, ha.

  3. Brie- thanks for the encouragement! It's funny you bring that up about working corporate jobs to fund the things you love-- Jared and I talk about that all the time. I guess I would feel better about it if I actually had the job haha. But you and Kiwi seem to be some of the few people who get it all right, so it's good to hear that it is really possible to have the best of both worlds. Thanks for responding!

  4. Lana- Girl you are way too sweet! First of all, you are one of the cool kids! And serving is a real job, you work your ass off, deal with jerks and you probably make way more than me. I don't exactly have a real job. I have two part-time editorial jobs, one of which is an unpaid internship. But hopefully it'll all pay off! I'm glad you don't think that me wanting to make lots of money makes me a sell out. I mean, coming from my pink-haired editor and chief, that legitimately means a lot. I'd love to get together and talk journalism/life sometime!

  5. As long as you stay focused on the positives in your life, things will work out. Ever since the Bobcat days, I was far too quiet to initiate any relationship with people in the "popular" crowd. Its funny how things work out; I feel I am a whole other person since leaving school with the people I grew up with. It is refreshing.

  6. hmmmmmmmmmmm... Your internal battle with want vs need is not uncommon I would assume, I am the same way for one. Also you hit the nail on the head with that time thing hooboy.

    We live so delicately nowadays, it can be tough to really shove the world and make it yours. But it's not impossible. Even in our limited amount of time.

    The key, I think, is doing it your own way.

    Work hard. Be good. Take risks. When your opportunity comes, seize it. Be the best you know how to be. Do what needs to be done. Dive into the stands to make a game saving catch.


    Enjoy it all, even if you get some cuts and bruises along the way.


    Not enough time to not.

    one more Jeter for the road just because http://njbaseball22.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/derek-jeter-wfw-400a0530071.jpg

  7. Kels, you were certainly not the odd-ball out with me...maybe that's due to the fact that I was never a cool kid and had pretty awkward sarcastic humor, even at the age of 6! This is a struggle we all go through, one I faced head on last year and had much trouble with. My advice is to just try to not worry about the money for now. We're not supposed to buy our mama's cruises around the world at 23. Think about what you need in your life to let you grow and be positive. Everyone will always have expectations of you to do something "big" (have you met my grandparents?) but we've got to do things that we consider big in our own way, individually. Such as this blog - I bet it makes you pretty happy, and little me thinks it's pretty cool :)

  8. I didn't even realize that so many people I grew up with would be reading this haha!

    Dylan- you're hilarious. But thanks for the encouragement!
    Ty- it's crazy how much we all change. For the most part, I feel like a completely different person, even since my senior year of high school... but then I guess there are some things that never change :)
    Jess- Thanks for reading girlie! I miss your face! It's always good to hear some one my age, from a similar background, tell me it's okay to pursue what you love. So many people around our age start to get jaded and settle for money. Things are looking up though! And as long as I don't have the above whine-fests too often, I think things will continue to get better in the career/dreams/writing area. Thanks for the encouragement!

  9. Interestingly enough, this is the first post I swam my eyes through. I doubt i'll find anything that I hate more than time (reality shows?)- it's horrible in any sense of the word. Even when you are having a "great time" it's still slipping past you.

    So in my current state of understanding "time" I've come to believe that since we have all been allotted 24 hours a day (assuming you don't have any mental malfunction distorting your sense of time) Our most powerful and sexy friend is focus and organization. This leads me to why the hell I'm reading a blog about running. Seriously?

    You, bullet girl, are finding a way to fit running into your allotted time, you have asthma, and plenty of other obstacles taking up your time but somehow you find a way - thus, in theory, you are MAKING TIME.

    This kinda pisses me off, but in a good way. Anyways, I did like the way you were questioning your existence however, it seems that you see yourself according to how others perceive you to see yourself. Am I wrong?

    Surely enough, you will find someone who thinks and acts like you and in doing so, you will probably hate that person faster than you might want to admit. None of us are really individuals. The fact that we are all unique kinda makes us all the same don't you think?

    in conclusion - I promise to start running if you promise to question yourself more often and writing about it.

    Deal, great. Amen...


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